Allow me to mansplain this for you. He said “the hair on your arms” because he felt comfortable enough to speak what he thought was his “opinion” but were really just his fears. What was at stake was HIS self worth, for he thought he would be judged by YOUR attractiveness. Your arms were a liability for HIM, in his poor young mind, and like any obsessive he was dumb enough to give voice to HIS fears. He thought his fears were legitimate. What would his friends say? What would they think? Would they tease him about YOUR arms. He wondered if he should have traded up. Should he have tried, and possibly failed, to date your cousin? Any girlfriend conveys more status than no girlfriend.

Here is the problem. In thinking about your arms, he wasn’t thinking about you at all. Had you gotten angry, you probably would have had to explain his insensitivity TO HIM.

The carriers of the “bad body image” virus are young boys. Conditioned by popular culture, they have really narrow views of what is “pretty”. Girlfriends are accessories in their desperate self-absorbed quest for status and identity. Remember that Facebook began as a way of ranking the women of Harvard physically. You don’t even have to have any interest in dating to be part of the algorithm.

I am old. I go to my reunions, so I’ve witnessed the changes in people’s attractiveness both while it is waxing and waning. I have been teaching for a long time and often see former students out in the community. Chaperoning middle school dances is a special kind of Hell. I see what the kids can’t see. Even on the superficial axis of physical attractiveness, the young are not wise. They are easily fooled. You may not be surprised to hear that a big bosom and a tight sweater can still win the day.

I think that the Internet has compounded the problem. It is the rare kid that dresses in any way that is unique. Even the ones so desperate to stand out that they get multiple piercings and go full voodoo-gothic-death-vulture are still in a fairly narrow lane.

My mother had a rule from the forties that went; “never make personal comments.” She thought it was bad manners to mention someone’s haircut, shoe shine, or weight either positively or negatively.

I’m sorry people made these comments. I’m horrified that an adult woman said something like that in front of a group of people. It’s bad manners, I think. I would hiss her out of the Opera House.

I guess the only way we can make progress is by hearing voices like yours. You write with such confidence and vigor, it’s upsetting to think that something so seemingly small could create a lasting wound.

But of course it does.