Holy Shit. You just got a response from Devon Henry. You know it is a top shelf, grade-A offering when the OMW ³ materializes out of the Internet gloaming and visits your page. I didn’t think we had that spirit here anymore.² Stats be damned. That’s a successful post, man.
It was great fun to read. Thank you.
And thank you for invoking my name. As a result, I have gained three bots and a Polynesian realtor to my “readership” this afternoon. They have now joined my 5K “army” of supporters. I call them my “silent fans”. Reading dreck is like eating licorice. Lots of people don’t like licorice, but those who do love it, and my “followers” love my dreck. You know how I know? They never complain. In real life, as soon as I start talking someone always complains. I can hardly tell a story without the Boss or a co-worker saying “Here we go again…” or “Wake me up when this is over”, but not here on Medium! Now, you might wonder how, with all those followers, I have so few “views.” I have a theory about that. I think all the people reading my articles are doing it through [insert name of conspiracy theory “black ops” proxy server/web browser], which makes sense because most of them either:
- Work for the government
- Are “connected” to the mob
- Are themselves Russian oligarchs
- Are named Ev Williams
Anyway, you made it clear that I have a lot of weight around this joint. I mean, I’m a pretty big deal on the internet. I have a lot of friends on LiveJournal too, you know. I’m not a one platform pony. And while it would be wrong for a dedicated soul blogger like me to sell out or take baksheesh in exchange for a plug, doing something for a friend is just friendship, right? I mean, it’s not a quid-pro-quo if you were going to do it anyway, is it? So, I just want your readers to know that if they want me to do something “anyway” the price list can be found RIGHT HERE:
- For a box of Slim Jims and a jar of instant decaf coffee I will link to your story and write “This is the [pick one: funniest, best, most helpful] post EVAR!!!!”
- In exchange for pictures of you in your underwear, I will write “Shakespeare: Old and Busted, [Your Name Here]: The New Hotness” and then link to your profile page.
- In exchange for pictures of you wearing a wet suit, swim fins, and a football helmet, I will include you as a character in The Most Regressive Story Ever Not Finished and link to your blog every time your character is mentioned.
- For four fuck books, a pack of Larks, some Nabs, and a beat up copy of Santana’s Abraxis LP, I will take a post of yours, post it on my blog, and at the end write “Ha, Ha, fooled you! This great piece of writing was written by [insert your name here].”
- For a four wheel drive tractor with a 33 HP diesel engine, front loader, brush hog, and snow blower I will give your the Mill. You become Gutbloom. You get the 5K “army” of followers, the fan mail, the roughly $5.75 a month in Medium payments AND the “Editor-in-Chief” title at the Athenaeum. BIG BONUS: Lon Shapiro will talk about you sometimes… if you are nice to him and comment on the advanced statistics basketball posts.
³ “Original Medium Witch”
² Look, it’s a ham-fisted reference to “Hotel California”, but it’s the best I could do.
