I’ve decided that the world is at the start of one of those de-constructionist gyres, and we will pass quickly through this nationalist nightmare to a further fracturing that ultimately results in warlordism. That’s good news for you and me because we live in the Northeast. We are like 3/4 of the way to a European socialist liberal democracy already! Massachusetts just ranked right behind Singapore on the PISA test! They have universal coverage too! Maine and MA just legalized pot. We can invite Toronto to join us and maybe get a spot in the EU! Landmass is such an outdated way of making boundaries, don’t you think?

Fuck the rest of the country. I mean really, fuck them. As soon as you-know-who goes down to Washington to collect the backshesh at his inaugural party, we close the border and lock that fucker out.

So, focus on the Holiday traditions of our Northeastern Utopia. You know, have the neighborhood over for drinks but remember that not everyone eats pork, that the gay couple should be encouraged to kiss beneath the mistletoe just like everyone else, and black Santa has a bunch of toys in his bag that white Santa won’t have until next year.

We have water, we have snow, we have Vermont cheese and oysters from Plymouth. Sure, there are gun nuts in the woods of Maine and New Hampshire, but most of them can be reasoned with. It worked at town meeting, didn’t it? Connecticut was smart enough to not elect the McMahon woman, and LePage’s time is almost over.

I know you are in the Empire State, technically part of the mid-Atlantic region. You are getting this invite, but don’t tell your friends. Fuck Pennsylvania. Really… I know, I feel bad about Philly too… but no way. Fuck them AND New Jersey.

Tribune of Medium. Mayor Emeritus of LiveJournal. Third Pharaoh of the Elusive Order of St. John the Dwarf. I am to Medium what bratwurst is to food.

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