I’ve grown very fond of some of my bot followers. In fact, some of my favorite followers are bots. I know they are bots because they have sexy portrait photos on their profile and names like “Acadia”, and if you know anything about Medium writers, you know that for all of their many virtues, none of them have sexy profile pictures and most of their names are names like “Mr. Mildew”, “Gutbloom”, and Why You Dirty Old Queer .

Given the alone time afforded by our current pandemic, I tried to befriend some bots. I did so with the hope that I might be able to find the elusive “sex bot” that I keep hearing about but which… like jet packs, teleport machines and sugar free pastries… can only be found in science fiction novels or on reddit. I haven’t lost hope. We talked about voice over IP and video conferencing for a decade or two and now look what happened. We are traumatized by both. I look forward to that day when I say to some computer program, “I want you to take off your clothes and then put on this football helmet and swim fins” and the program responds with “01001100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110000 01101001 01100111 00101100 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101001 01110100 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110001 01110101 01101001 01100011 01101011 01101100 01111001 00111111”

What was I saying?

Oh, yea, I meant to ask you something, Lon. Do people really make money on Medium? Why would you do that? If you make money, they take some of it for taxes, and those taxes help pay for war, don’t they?

I don’t want to support war, man.

I’m a peace blogger. There’s no blood on these bits, bitches.