Letters to the Editor

3 min readMay 2, 2021

Dear Sirs,

Those of us at the Society for the Preservation of corresponding arts are very happy that you are going to continue publishing letters! We are so excited that we almost wet our dungarees, which would have been embarrassing. Like picking up a tea sandwich and dropping a big glob of oleo on your slacks, or tripping on macadam and scraping your knee and not having any iodine to clean it, or asking the milkman to leave the receipt in the letterbox, or… well… you get the idea.


The Society for the Preservation of Corresponding Arts

Dear Sirs and Ma’ams,

If we are going to take a trip back in time to answer letters, can we go back to the time when having gay sex in boarding school was just a game of “grab ass” and not some kind of identity clusterfuck?


Richard, a guy who played grab ass in boarding school

Dear Sirs, Ma’ams, Sirmams, and Mamsirs,

Yea, when can we get back to the place where sucking a dick was just sucking a dick?


A guy who sucks dick (and no, not the Dick above)

Dear Oppressors,

I, too, would like to go back to that time when sucking a dick was just sucking a dick. Let me see… I’ll dial that period up in my time machine… when was that again? Oh, right… never.


A girl who sucked a dick in boarding school and who knows plenty of Dicks, but not the one above

Gutbloom et al,

You’re going to start the 2021 season with homophobic dick sucking jokes? Alright, I know it seems cliche and you’ve trapped us, once again, into acting like school marms, but… we are going to cancel our subscription.


The Librarians of America

Yo, listen to this,

The blue pill is the red pill, and the red pill is the blue pill.



Q (AKA, Grace Slick)


Tribune of Medium. Mayor Emeritus of LiveJournal. Third Pharaoh of the Elusive Order of St. John the Dwarf. I am to Medium what bratwurst is to food.