Even if you buy into the idea that all the nationalities on the earth can be placed in a comprehensive ranking from “most desirable immigrants” to “least desirable immigrants”, Donald Trump saying something to the effect of the “US should get more people from countries like Norway” is a stupid thing to say.
What he should have said is “the US should get more people from countries like Luxembourg” because, of course, when Luxembourgers emigrate they arrive in the new country with suitcases of cash. So do Qataris, war criminals, and deposed dictators, all of whom make excellent immigrants. You heard it here first.
But you have to wonder, if you are going to pick one of the Scandinavian countries, why say “Norway”? Why not say “Denmark”? Are Norwegians really the #1 Nordic immigrant? The answer is, “fuck no.” Nothing against Norwegians, but even if the competition is just between Norwegians and the people we confuse them with (the Swedes), you want to go with the Swedes. I’ll show you why:
Axis 1: Famous People
- The Andrews Sisters
- Lance Armstrong
- James Cagney
- Linda Evans
- Bob Fosse
- Mat Groening
- Hubert Humphrey
- Lorenzo Lamas
- Gypsy Rose Lee
- Walter Mondale
- Marilyn Monroe
- Iggy Pop
- Knute Rockney
- Grace Slick
- Charles Schulz
- Kristen Wiig
- Lindsey Vonn
- Johnny Weir
- Tom Brady
- Ray Bradbury
- Mamie Eisenhower
- Greta Garbo
- Jerry Garcia
- Mark Hamill
- Dorothy Hamill
- Kris Kristofferson
- Ann Margaret
- Michelle Pfeiffer
- William Rehnquist
- Carl Sanburg
- Grace Slick
- Taylor Swift
- Uma Thurman
- Dennis Wilson
Discussion of the First Axis: The above lists are obviously not comprehensive. They are the list of “Norwegian-Americans Gutbloom likes” and the list of “Swedish-Americans Gutbloom likes” respectively. When it comes to the inclusion of Lance Armstrong, I don’t like him, but I like to hate him very much.
Let me start by saying that Joni Mitchell doesn’t get to be on the Norwegian list because she is a Norwegian-Canadian, not a Norwegian-American. Had she been included, there is no question that the Norwegians would win this round.
You might wonder why Grace Slick is on both lists. She is of Norwegian-Swedish descent. I always thought she was Jewish. Who knew?
I love many members of both lists. Let’s call this round a draw.
Axis 2: Businesses Started
Norwegian-Americans:
- Hilton Hotels
- Digital Equipment Corporation
Swedish-Americans:
- Nordstrom Stores
- O.F. Mossberg & Sons Firearms
Discussion of the Second Axis: I don’t give a shit about any of these companies, but you have to admit that making and selling guns is what America is all about. Advantage: Sweden
Axis 3: Language
Norwegian Loan Words:
- Fjord
- Floe
- Krill
- Lemming
- Lutafisk
- Ski
- Slalom
- Uff da (the Midwestern interjection)
Swedish Loan Worlds
- gauntlet
- lingonberry
- moped
- ombudsman
- rutabaga
- tungston
Discussion of the Third Axis: It’s hard to argue that “moped” or “rutabaga” are more important to American English than the word “ski”, but, come on, “moped” is a pretty cool world. Advantage: Norway.
Axis 4: Food
Norwegian-American Culinary Highlights
- Rhubarb Pie
- Jarlsburg Cheese
Swedish-American Culinary Highlights
- Swedish meatballs
- Cinnamon Roll
Discussion of the Fourth Axis: The cinnamon roll? The cinnamon roll! What is America without the cinnamon roll? In Sweden, October 4th is “Cinnamon Roll Day.” What an excellent idea! We could use more of that here in the US.
Game, Set, Match: Sweden
Ranking immigrants is a stupid idea. Almost as stupid as this post. Almost as dumb as Trump.
