Stop Failing Me, Medium

Here Are Some Christmas Cards I Give As a Gift

Advent is when we patiently await the arrival of a baby, like a pregnant woman. You know what pregnant women do? They eat a lot. I think “patient waiting” means eating quietly. Quietly by yourself. Whatever you like. You’re eating for two: your physical self and your spiritual self. Both like Fritos.
It’s funny, right? Australia’s seasons are backwards! That’s so fucked up! Don’t worry… they won’t see this post. Jules and Gloss, and Arin Basu are all asleep right now. When they wake up this post will be buried by 25 articles from Mel magazine and the Ringer.
I stole this joke from a guy on LiveJournal named flying_blind. Please don’t tell him. He still kind of likes me.
I stole this joke from someone I work with. I’m sure he got it in prison. Jokes come from prison. Did you know that? It’s true. You could look it up.
I stole this from some kid. That kid was telling jokes at a family gathering. She killed. When you have 20 adults laughing at a 10-year-old, a ham is born.
One pack, you get 52 cards. So EASY!!!!
Crap, I knew I couldn’t avoid referencing the election for an entire post.

Tribune of Medium. Mayor Emeritus of LiveJournal. Third Pharaoh of the Elusive Order of St. John the Dwarf. I am to Medium what bratwurst is to food.

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