The Ten Things Thing
KrisCross Should Know Better Than To Ask a Narcissist to Talk About Himself
I. I’m a beast on Medium and even I have grown sick of it. I am actively seeking out the complainers. You write a “I don’t give a fuck about Medium post” and I promise you I will read it. What happened? I don’t know, and every time I start to write about what went wrong, why the fun seems to have seeped out of the platform, the words are so tinny and cheap that my mushrooming self-hatred swamps the anger I have toward Medium and I end up deleting the post.
II. I am at an age where I can’t imagine having sex with anyone but the Boss. Let’s pretend that someone did want to have sex with me and the Boss was not dead from cancer but hermetically sealed on the plane of alternate ethics, thereby suspending our wedding vows. How would I unveil my current state of corporealness to a stranger? It’s impossible! Do I explain away the skin tags on my arms or just try to hide them? What about the scars? My self-esteem is fine. I’m don’t lack for confidence, but even I disgust myself when I catch my naked, wet body in the mirror. I am full of phlegm. Gray hairs grow from heretofore unnoticed places on my body, and I have to always keep my glasses on. Yes, I have to keep my glasses and the lights on in this imaginary liaison, for if I’m going to be naked with one more person before I leave this world, I’m definitely going to get a good look at THEM.
III. I don’t know what I believe when it comes to religion. Here is my vitae: I was an altar boy, I considered myself a Dorothy Day inspired “Catholic Worker” when I was in high school, I attended an Episcopalian boarding school that was, at heart, a Benedictine monastery, I have a BA in religion, I’ve dropped a lot of acid, I worked in Catholic Worker houses while in graduate school, I am an “experienced catechist” and taught “religion” while employed in a parochial school run by the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament, I was a Mercy Corps volunteer with the Sisters of Mercy for two years, I’ve done lots and lots of retreats, including things like a five day silent zazen retreat with Ruben Habito, and, last, I am a relatively recent graduate of the EfM program run through the University of the South. All that said, I engage in some ritualisms (grace before meals), sometimes attend Episcopal mass, and I try to meditate a couple of times a week. What I actually “believe” is elusive and ever changing, and though I’m more than willing to explain what I’m feeling at the moment, there isn’t much point in sharing unless you really want to. Believe me when I say that I’m eager to hear what YOU have to say on the topic.
IV. I was in the army, though, not really, because I was always a civilian. It’s a shameful admission because I told a recruiting sergeant that if they sent me to ROTC basic camp after my Freshman year of college, I would definitely sign a contract when I got back in the Fall. I went and did six weeks at Ft. Knox, Kentucky. I drank cool-aid in the shade, got an expert badge on the grenade course, and did that thing where you take apart and reassemble an M-16 blindfolded. When I realized that there was no way I was going to get a ROTC scholarship, I decided that I would not sign. I had to spend the next year of my life ducking the cats in uniform.
V. I am virtually a-musical. I took bagpipe lessons when I was a kid. The war pipes are a folk instrument, most cops can play them. I was so bad my pipe band leader had me take up the bodhrán. I was terrible at that too. I was kicked out of chorus in sixth grade for fucking around. Kids who could sing never got kicked out of chorus at my school. I took piano lessons in high school, and guitar and harmonica lessons as an adult. My problem seems to be a combination of poor fine motor skills and no ability to hear pitch. I’m not great at tying fishing knots, and I don’t really hear that well. Put them together and you have someone who ruins a music teacher’s day.
VI: I was a good actor. My brother is a graduate of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts and a member of the Actor’s Studio, SAG, and AFTRA. Had we reversed roles, he may have been a better teacher than I am, and I might have been the better actor. I did very well in middle and high school, but I never did any acting in college because I got scared. I’ve spent most of my life struggling with identity, and acting seemed to feed my pathological disingenuousness.
VII: I used to talk bad about tattoos, even though I have one. At some point I realized that saying, “Tattoos are bad, don’t ever get a tattoo” was kind of a stupid, asshole thing to say. I guess for a long time I liked to talk about regretting getting a tattoo, but I got the tattoo in 1986 so I could have something to regret. I think tattoo parlors were still illegal in New York City at the time.
VIII: I’m Not a Homo. (I know this supposed to be “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” but since nobody reads backwards on Medium, even though I have written this before, YOU still didn’t know it.)
VIX: I’m a Racist.
X: I knew Steve Colbert and have met some other famous people.
I’m not going to tag anyone else, but please EVERYONE JOIN THE PARTY.
