Well, it’s been a long time.

By the power vested in me through my self-appointed title of “Tribune of Medium,” it gives me great pleasure to present to you with this Certificate of Funny:

It is well earned. Well earned indeed.

We all know that Medium is a comedy desert. Thank you for creating an oasis that we, the drunken camels of the virtual Sahara, can drink from.

You are a rising star illuminating the darkness of our comedy night. We all hope you continue to expand, your gases gradually becoming more and more heated, until you go supernova, explode, and create billions and billions of comedy dust balls that drift across the vacuum of our unfunny universe until they coalesce into comets and… stuff.

You should know that these certificates are accompanied by a small “honorarium”. We have asked our Panamanian bankers to credit your Nigerian bank account with 500 Mildew Bucks. They can be exchanged at the prize booth next to the skee ball lanes here at The Mill. No, 500 isn’t enough to get anything on the top two shelves. The Madonna plush toy costs 10,000. You should be looking at the Mary Janes and Now-or-Laters in the glass cabinet. If you want cigarettes, you can get two.

Congratulations. Please keep up the good work.

This post is a Triumph!

I don’t mean “this” post, I mean his, the “10 Ways To Use Numbers in Your Stories.” I thought that was obvious.