This morning I received these messages:
As I think we have established in the Mr. Mildew Omnimedia Multi-Threaded Fictional Universe™, I can “talk to the animals”, both real and imagined, and I don’t even need a Welsh accent to do it.
I’d like to get this thing over with and go back to bed. Here is the interview:
Gutbloom: I’m not sure that this is the news peg that you think it is. She is wearing your skin from after you get murdered. It’s not a good look… for you.
OriginalDonkeyskin: Any exposure is good exposure, and it doesn’t hurt that she stripped me off and was TOTALLY NAKED for a few minutes. Check this out:
Gutbloom: Why am I not interviewing her? She is much, much more interesting.
OriginalDonkeyskin: She’s a real celebrity and wouldn’t talk to you. I, as you well know, have hit some hard times, and until they extend unemployment benefits and send me my government check, I’m all yours.
Gutbloom: Since many of my readers…
OriginalDonkeyskin: All five?
Gutbloom: …may not be aware of who you are, let me introduce you. You are the donkey from the “Donkeyskin” fairy tale which was originally the kind of poem nobody reads but was later included in the Grey Fairy Book.
OriginalDonkeyskin: THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA! Shouldn’t you give them a citation or pay them or something?
Gutbloom: In the fairy tale there is a king whose beautiful wife is dying. She makes him promise that he will only marry a woman as beautiful as herself. It’s a strange promise, but you have to remember that this tale comes from a time in Western Civilization when the term “male gaze” was roughly synonymous with words “objective reality”.
The king makes the promise. In time it becomes clear that the only woman as beautiful as his dead wife is his daughter, so he sets his mind to marrying her.
His daughter makes a series of nuptial demands in an effort to avoid being forced to marry her own father. She asks for a dress as bright as the sun. The king delivers. She requests a dress with all the colors of the ocean, one with the glow of the moon, etc., until she is decides to make a request that she is certain her father won’t fulfill. She asks for a garment made from the skin of the magic donkey that is the source of the king’s wealth, for it “excretes jewels,”
OriginalDonkeyskin: Nonsense! I shit gold. I don’t excrete jewels. I shit gold. Very simple. Where did you get that crap about jewels from? Wikipedia?
Gutbloom: I don’t know. I blame the interns.
OriginalDonkeyskin: No, seriously, where did you get that? I have to fix it. I can’t stand when there is something wrong about me published on the Internet.
Gutbloom: And you want MORE exposure?
OriginalDonkeyskin: Hah, hah. I’m not crazy. This is core to my brand, man. I shit gold. SHIT GOLD. I don’t crap jewels. That’s stupid. How could rumination turn straw, hay, and grass into rubies or emeralds?? Doesn’t make any sense. But it is well established that you can turn straw into gold… even Rumplestiltskin can do that… which is what I do. In my gut.
Gutbloom: I don’t think a gold shitting donkey is of much interest. I think you would do better marketing yourself as a skin that can turn beautiful women into hags and let them avoid the unwanted attention of men, even the men in their own families. If you’ve looked at the “trending searches” on any porn site during the pandemic, you would know why that’s important right now.
OriginalDonkeyskin: I thought about that. I still think that “Donkey Shitting Gold” is the better angle. It could be a meme. It could be a breakfast cereal.
Gutbloom: You mean like this:
OriginalDonkeyskin: No, not at all like that. Where did you get that donkey? That is the worst rendering of a donkey I have ever seen. I mean, that donkey illustration really…
Gutbloom: sucks donkey balls? Yes, I know, but there is a method to my madness. The Medium curators don’t like it when I steal images from the Internet and won’t “distribute” (i.e. “hippo splatter”) my dreck across Medium if they suspect I stole some junk from somewhere else. It’s clear I didn’t steal this from anywhere.
OriginalDonkeySkin: Yes, it is. Where my dick? Why do I look pregnant? There is only one donkey that shits gold in the entire Fairyverse and you have me looking like a plastic version of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey poster that melted in the back of someone’s car.
Gutbloom: Is this better?
OriginalDonkeySkin: Not really. Why did you make my dick so small? It’s one thing to have people wonder if I have no dick. It’s even worse to let them think I have that little thing.
Gutbloom: I thought…
OriginalDonkeySkin: I was thinking about something like this:
Gutbloom: Nice, not only is that as bad as mine, but now you have ripped off the Internet, so there is no chance we will get curated.
OriginalDonkeySkin: You know, Gutbloom, I’m sorry I came to you. I knew I should have gotten in touch with Kyrie Gray. She has more followers than you, she has a deeper understanding of Fairy Tales, and she draws better than you do.
Gutbloom: No way does she have more followers than me. She joined Medium about a month ago. I have over 7,000 followers.
OriginalDonkeySkin: She has 9.96K.
Gutbloom: Get the fuck out of here. She does not. *Checks Kyrie Gray’s profile page.* Check that. She’s obviously buying followers on Fiver.com.
OriginalDonkeySkin: I’ll see you later. I’m going to go find her.
Gutbloom: You sure you don’t want to take a look at this?
OriginalDonkeySkin: I don’t need money, man. Remember, I shit gold.
Gutbloom: Could you shit some out for me?
OriginalDonkeySkin: Would do it for you, bro, but I got to jump. I think Shrek is calling me.
Gutbloom: Nice. Invoke Disney. You did that just so…
OriginalDonkeySkin: This post ends up in Medium Hell, where nobody will ever see it.
Gutbloom: Just like The Tribune’s In-Doggeral Address.
OriginalDonkeySkin: Nice try. Nobody is going to click on that link, and you misspelled “doggerel” AGAIN.
Gutbloom: Dudes from Tamil Free Download Best Movies might click on it.
OriginalDonkeySkin: Those aren’t dudes. Those are bots.
Gutbloom: I hope someone skins you soon so they can do their job helping the Governor of New York or something.
OriginalDonkeySkin: OK, gotta canter. See you on the “Trending on Medium” page.
Gutbloom: I doubt it.
OriginalDonkeySkin: I’m certain I won’t see you there. HeeHaw, motherfucker. *leaves*
Gutbloom: Shit. That didn’t go well. Maybe I should start interviewing royals.